My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?