“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.