Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for