@lukeplusone

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

@lukeplusone

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

@lukeplusone

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

@lukeplusone

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

@lukeplusone

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

@lukeplusone

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh