When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.