I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
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I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table