whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
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That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
A leaf blower, but for people.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Always a metermaid never a meter
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends