What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Found my door mat
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”