@markedly

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

@markedly

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

@markedly

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

@markedly

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

@markedly

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

@markedly

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

@markedly

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

@markedly

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

@markedly

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

@markedly

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god