It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.