I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking