Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.