* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
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If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue