Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun