[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
it’s finally my moment to shine
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
incredible
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.