interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood


me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally


therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all


Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry


an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.


lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend


me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?


me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart


[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep


murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10