interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
therapist: what are you afraid of?
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
cop: where were you that night?
me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
her: you were really loud
me: *putting down my trombone* yep
murderer: I’m outside your house
me: I’m at the supermarket
me: I’ll be there in 10