@mrjohndarby interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
@mrjohndarby @mrjohndarby me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
@mrjohndarby therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
@mrjohndarby Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
@mrjohndarby an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
@mrjohndarby lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
@mrjohndarby me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
@mrjohndarby me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
@mrjohndarby [after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
@mrjohndarby [phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10