@mrjohndarby

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

@mrjohndarby

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

@mrjohndarby

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

@mrjohndarby

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

@mrjohndarby

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

@mrjohndarby

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

@mrjohndarby

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

@mrjohndarby

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding