me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
[robbing a bank]
other robber: where’s your fucking balaclava?me: *eating baclava* I think I’ve made a delicious mistake
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
superman landing like a plane on his belly