@newLettuce [funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
@newLettuce @newLettuce [Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
@newLettuce Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
@newLettuce Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
@newLettuce Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
@newLettuce ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
@newLettuce Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
@newLettuce [Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
@newLettuce Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
@newLettuce Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now