I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?