“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?