“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
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I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.