Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Anyone want a chair?
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry