If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this