1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.