Him: I鈥檓 over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you鈥檙e cured
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I鈥檓 a bit rusty
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I鈥檒l handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it鈥檚 my birthday 馃檪
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind鈥檚 really pickin up
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim鈥檚 wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim鈥檚 wife: I don鈥檛 think you should shake his head
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Me: you鈥檙e gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn鈥檛-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don鈥檛 give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you鈥檙e making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you鈥檙e not gonna believe this
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Cop: looks like you鈥檙e wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 馃檪
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I鈥檒l trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
God: you鈥檙e my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 馃榾
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who鈥檚 my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that鈥檚 cool 馃檨
God: oh he鈥檚 super duper cool