Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
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– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less