Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
stand with me against insufficient seating
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school