Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
