me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.