Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Her: No, just flowers.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.