Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?