@simoncholland

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

@simoncholland

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

@simoncholland

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

@simoncholland

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

@simoncholland

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

@simoncholland

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

@simoncholland

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

@simoncholland

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

@simoncholland

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?