Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.