I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
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Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.