*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.