They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.