Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and
I’m already out.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”