Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
You can call me tonight.
*pretends floor is lava*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy