*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches