Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Me when I’m ovulating
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.