Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles