Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
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[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?