@tchrquotes You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
@tchrquotes @tchrquotes Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
@tchrquotes Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
@tchrquotes I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
@tchrquotes [Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
@tchrquotes Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
@tchrquotes My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
@tchrquotes There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
@tchrquotes Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
@tchrquotes Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.