@tchrquotes

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

@tchrquotes

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

@tchrquotes

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

@tchrquotes

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

@tchrquotes

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

@tchrquotes

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

@tchrquotes

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

@tchrquotes

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

@tchrquotes

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

@tchrquotes

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.