Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.