@topaz_kell

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

@topaz_kell

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

@topaz_kell

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

@topaz_kell

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

@topaz_kell

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

@topaz_kell

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

@topaz_kell

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.