*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.