mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?