Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
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Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I am crying
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.