seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!