When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.