@visionbored2

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

@visionbored2

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

@visionbored2

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

@visionbored2

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

@visionbored2

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

@visionbored2

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

@visionbored2

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

@visionbored2

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead