‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead