Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.