I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
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*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear