I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
We’re all getting idioter.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality