@wildethingy

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

@wildethingy

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

@wildethingy

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

@wildethingy

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

@wildethingy

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

@wildethingy

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

@wildethingy

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

@wildethingy

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

@wildethingy

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality