help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
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LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad: