@capricecrane

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

@Cool_Jesse

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

@DrunkSocialite

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

@BaconBeefStrip

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

@brettryland

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

@DartsBofficial

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

@TrophyCatas

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

@Carter_TCB

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

@Schroofles

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

@jkrambles

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.